"I'm not going anywhere."

From sixty to forty
But still the shorty
An untamed animal amongst the herd
But simply, just wanna be heard

Questioning every decision that has been made
Hanging by a thread at the tip of this blade
With no shell, a homeless crustacean
Left behind with no consolation

I figured it out already.
In the future I shall see
What will be and what is going to be
When I was stated C
Instead of the usual B

There was no end to the strife
When she's a quitter in love,
While I'm a quitter in life
At least when we're both comitting,
She's still alive.

For all the undead and the living
The biggest irony, though
With a little taste of despair

The last thing she said before leaving;
"I'm not going anywhere."

I'm just gonna put it right here.

This is simply a proof that no matter what I do, it never matters. No matter if I put 0%, 50% or even 100% in my efforts that it'll never work they way I want. To simplify it: I will never be loved⁽¹⁾, at least, in a romantic way. I told myself,"Don't lose her" and surprise surprise: I lost her. This time, BIG TIME. Well, maybe now I just have to wait for some girl to be obsessed by me, to love me the way I am, want to do work by herself, just like I am to her. Yeah, I'm using the present tense. Big news. At least when I wrote this. But it seems unlikely, back to point ⁽¹⁾. "You lost pieces of yourself everytime you give yourself to someone else." and I guess that what happened to me. I completely lost myself and to build from the scratch? Back to the square one? It's one hell of a task, I'm telling you. I guess in this one starting really is harder than maintaining. She's always asking to keep my positive thinking in check so here it is. That post above is a reminder for you, you useless stupid lazy fucking piece of shit. This is your past speaking, Never fall in love too hard ever again. Never put your 100% into everyone ever again.

Earthquake

The shakes
Keep getting stronger
Keep coming periodically
The head rushes
Strike, melodically

Having a little joy to crave
Belittle that I'm actually the one,
Who is keeping score
Have to keep reminding myself,
That you're not here anymore

Losing both the battle and the war
Back to that phase again,
Locking the front door

Hoping to not coming back again
Can I just, simply, disappear?