"I'm not going anywhere."

From sixty to forty
But still the shorty
An untamed animal amongst the herd
But simply, just wanna be heard

Questioning every decision that has been made
Hanging by a thread at the tip of this blade
With no shell, a homeless crustacean
Left behind with no consolation

I figured it out already.
In the future I shall see
What will be and what is going to be
When I was stated C
Instead of the usual B

There was no end to the strife
When she's a quitter in love,
While I'm a quitter in life
At least when we're both comitting,
She's still alive.

For all the undead and the living
The biggest irony, though
With a little taste of despair

The last thing she said before leaving;
"I'm not going anywhere."

I'm just gonna put it right here.

This is simply a proof that no matter what I do, it never matters. No matter if I put 0%, 50% or even 100% in my efforts that it'll never work they way I want. To simplify it: I will never be loved⁽¹⁾, at least, in a romantic way. I told myself,"Don't lose her" and surprise surprise: I lost her. This time, BIG TIME. Well, maybe now I just have to wait for some girl to be obsessed by me, to love me the way I am, want to do work by herself, just like I am to her. Yeah, I'm using the present tense. Big news. At least when I wrote this. But it seems unlikely, back to point ⁽¹⁾. "You lost pieces of yourself everytime you give yourself to someone else." and I guess that what happened to me. I completely lost myself and to build from the scratch? Back to the square one? It's one hell of a task, I'm telling you. I guess in this one starting really is harder than maintaining. She's always asking to keep my positive thinking in check so here it is. That post above is a reminder for you, you useless stupid lazy fucking piece of shit. This is your past speaking, Never fall in love too hard ever again. Never put your 100% into everyone ever again.

Earthquake

The shakes
Keep getting stronger
Keep coming periodically
The head rushes
Strike, melodically

Having a little joy to crave
Belittle that I'm actually the one,
Who is keeping score
Have to keep reminding myself,
That you're not here anymore

Losing both the battle and the war
Back to that phase again,
Locking the front door

Hoping to not coming back again
Can I just, simply, disappear?

The Book: Part 1

"I bought a book."

"What is it about?"

"Fantasy, drama, all that kind of stuff."
"I bought it like two to three months ago and didn't have the time to read it yet."

"Okay. Cool."

"Have fun!"

*three hours later*

"Hey."

"I'm heartbroken."

"Why is that?"

"The ending was a cliffhanger."

"What ending?"

"Ooh the book, sorry."

"Yeah."

"Buy the second part, then."

"There is no second part."

"Create your own ending, then."

"Shall we?"

Midnight Thoughts: Part 1

Well, it's not really a part one if you count the other nights that was not written here, or even, everywhere. Because that's the thing, people only care about what is shown, what is written, what is out of surface. They don't know what's under the rock. But I understand. I'm not against them who seeks for help. In fact, I'm standing with them. Or in this case, behind them. Maybe, just maybe, we don't need help. Or more accurately, we don't want any help. It's been weeks, maybe even months, that I prepared myself to sleep early, just to find myself not being able to sleep four or five hours later. It's exhausting, It's FUCKING EXHAUSTING. I lost the love of my life. Well, for the second time this time. I thought it would be better this time, but well, it still hurts. In fact, it equally hurts, but from the different angle. On top of that, there is a chance I could lose my best friend now. That sharp thing is teasing every now and then, and so far it's doing a fantastic job at it. At this moment, with all that, if I'm allowed to wish, I'm just wishing for one tiny thing: can I just not be a burden for everyone? Is that a really hard thing to ask for?

Slave

I'm on my knees,
But they're keep calling
One by one besides me,
They're falling

Not a good thing, though
Barely breathing with just a little bit of air
Everything to share
Can't tell which is fair or not
But everything around me is already,
In pair.

From eating everything
To never consume anything
The teasing and the joke
More than enough to make a stroke

Putting themselves where the peace is
And now I can rest in pieces

I Love (The Idea Of) You

Yes, it was love but,
No, it wasn't unconditional

I'm not even demanding for an apology
Jumping into conclusion at the first glance
Even in messing up I am a prodigy
You could never plan romance

Keeping your name on top of the shelf
Thinking holding back is better than the rage
What you've been telling me or telling yourself
Is it setting myself free or opening your own cage?

Not as furious as the last time
Only unchecked everything from the top lists
Another self proclaim but it was sublime
Did nothing but settling with my own fists

I've sat countless nights in front of the door
Wondering if the cold would take my soul
What I've been really wishing down to my core
Seeing you knocking and making me whole

You never loved
You never have
Not for what I am or who I am
You just love the idea of me.

I'm Fine Without You

If you meant staring into space everyday,
Still finding the permanent cure
Seeing from every different point of view
Then sure,
I'm okay without you.

If you meant getting no job done,
Always feeling insecure
Wanting to call,
When this head was placed under curfew
Then sure,
I'm good without you.

If you meant crying myself to sleep,
Worrying every minute every second
No consolation
Just like the last time
Another isolation
Sure,
I'm great without you.

If you meant daily face palms,
Can't even stop the bleeding
Close enough to dying
Rejecting a love this pure
Couldn't accept, easily withdrew
Then sure,
I'm totally fine without you.

I Hate It

The way someone likes another
Not really owning one
For better or worse, or even better
Not all the damage are done
Obsession.

The way someone says,"I'm broken."
But still excel at getting paid
Have a job or not failing or outspoken
Either find love or getting laid
Hypocrite(s).

Looking at the adored one, love potion
But not like the way it did anymore
Was a choice, but now only an option
Aching for attention right to the core
It hurts.

Instructions Unclear

Truth be told, speaking carelessly
Despising a moment of clarity
Not to mention threading carefully
Catching a glimpse an unimaginable picture
Out of of nowhere, so unnecessary

The time one said it was A
To the point where it lead to B
The one who made the day
No longer about the bird and the bee

Just begging in a lifetime to meant it
About simply caring and how to feel
To trust not much but one bit
Did nothing but only kneel

Can't guess or escape out of this hell
Getting back on track, when out of sync
What to do, please, do tell
The only thing to do is spilling this ink

Just A Little (Too Much)

Before and after
Well, we know the differences

To joke a little bit
To do pep talk a little bit
To drop the needle,
On where we sit

To burn the cold when it's frozen
To cool it off when it's hot like hell
To share some weights when it's overload
To console and say all is well

To simply stay whatever how it is
To be with no one else out there
Not only be the love of our college
To say the word love 'til one could not bear
and having me, simply acknowledge

To be careless never again nonetheless
None of the changes have surprised me as such
Just a history repeating itself
To spare me, a little time
Am I asking too much?

Lost

A lesson,
A blessing,
She's both.
A reason
For growth.

Receiving our everyday's pat
La grand amour
Even more than that,
She's my saviour

Picking our usual cup,
Talking about our usual affair
How can I even pick her up,
When she's not there?

Mentally died the first time I lost her
Who knows what will happen,
The second time things do not concur?

Still thinking I'm doing fine
Distance makes me do things out of line
Running out of how to greet
Feeling like walking through a one-way street

Exploring this new world of yours
Hoping my vision won't bring me to my all fours
On the seaside, a fistful of sand
Slipping right through my hand

What we do now did reverse
The words that are said now did diverse
Still believing all are hopeful
To be or not to be, careful

Relapse

The same old song, playing on repeat
It was simple, the number twenty three
Craving for something sweet
But, where were we?

A mutual feeling that can't be labeled
Remedy for a low point that's not really new
Just an abstract button to be enabled
Those teeth still my favorite morning view

Trying my best, caught you off guard
Sometimes, it's not enough
Full of joy, but we both scarred
Sometimes, it gets rough

This weak soul already settled
Fulfilling our life all in your terms
Things like double standards, feeling dismantled
The laugh obeys, the tear confirms

Take it slow, darling
It's not a sprint, it's a marathon
If you allow me for one sure thing
To be something - you can count on